Little Miss Trouble

“What the &*^&^*^$%^&#%$#@##$%$&(&^&%&^$%^#@@!@#$%^ ” !!!

Do me a favor. Use your extensive linguistic ability to fill the above as per your wish

One of India’s six largest IT outsourcing companies. Counts such Fortune 500 companies as Sony among its customers. The biggest corporate scandal in India. More than $ 1.5bn of investors’ money dwindled thanks to one family. Rather, one man who famously said, “It was like riding a tiger, not knowing how to get off without being eaten”. Ya, right. Its my !@#$%^ money, you moron! But guess what’s new? The man is happy, leading the life of a King, though he’s still a B-class prisoner. A B-class prisoner is a habitual offender or a professional crime-doer. Someone who can harm the society in a greater way. He is expected to share his cell with another prisoner. And the well known rule, is that NO electronic gadgets are allowed inside the cell.

{ Psst…Did you know that Raju was moved from a C-class status to a B-class in the Chanchalguda Prison? And, did you know that a senior prisoner, one Mr. Venkateshwara Rao, formerly the Chairman of the fallen Krishi Co-op Bank, moved the papers for it? He’s an equally clean man 40 cr of public money mishandled leading to arrest. Do all the pigs end up in the same sty? }

Reports from “Eenadu“, a Hyderabad based Telugu daily says “Raju and his brother are treated as Star Class Prisoners. They’re enjoy a separate cell, shuttle court during the weekends, a cellphone, a laptop and the daily food allegedly arrives from a 5 star hotel nearby”. Why not just send him home and save taxpayers’ money, Mr.YSR? It could save us the trouble of employing secret cameras and kicking up controversies.God only knows, how many hands were greased in the meantime!

Our Constitution happens to be the longest and our country, the biggest democracy in the world. “All Men Are Equal Before Law”, did they say?  Some equality, I tell you. A man died in custody after being brutally beaten in the Neelankarai Police Station day before yesterday. For a silly domestic issue. And here’s Mr.SmartyPants who gobbled up MY bloody money, eating a 5 course dinner. Probably a Creme Bulay even!!

George Orwell said something about equality. What was it, again? 

Peace!

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This is my studio. Not just another room in the house. It holds all that is me. My studio is both my consolation and refuge. It is here, that I am me. My feelings, my fantasies, my emotions are buried in these paintings. All my desires are entombed here, suffocated in this very room. I acknowledge them when I am inside the studio and leave them behind when I leave. It happens to be a convenient arrangement for someone with a detached and troubled personality as I. For days, I forget to even eat and remain within this room. No, it doesn’t confine or restrict me. It is outside these four walls that I feel confined. I have to be someone else. I have to act like the someone else people expect me to be. Rather strange, but when I am working in my studio, I feel in control. I am aware of my feelings and I am in touch with my inner self. Is this what they call Nirvana? Yes, I have found my true love. My studio.
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Bored as I am, I thought I could write about the one person who stays with me whenever I need him. A friend, companion of sorts and my only true love- my television set I am obsessively in love with inanimate objects for sometime now. It all started with the mobby, then my brand new IPod Nano in flashy black and now back to the good ole TV set.

NOTE: My mobile phone, a visibly tattered  5300 XpressMusic model was my true love, but I decided to dump him after I soaked him in yummy Rosgulla and threw him around for a year now. He’s a dead duck now. Sorry baby, RIP!

Watching the TV for a whole day can be quite an interesting exercise. If you’re into anthropology, the best place to start is probably the TV. You learn all about human behaviour and the extent to which we torment ourself in the name of entertainment. The long suffering bahus and the villany of the Maamiyar are such well researched topics. Contact any Saroja Maami in the neighborhood for further details. Every colony has one for sure! Let me jot down a few such stereotypes here.

• All stories are about women. A single woman who fights all odds or a group of them with a storyline for each. They don’t work hard, their fathers are usually drunkards and they have atleast 2 sisters. Its more than likely that atleast one of the siblings is deaf, dumb/ blind. Still, they manage to dress well and have layers of make up on. These supposedly middle class bahus are clad in designer sarees and have their hair immaculately done. If you’re a serial director or someone, please note this. NO, NO, NO! We don’t want to see every old actress coming into TV segment. For the actresses, “Please get your social security income and retire!!” Leave us alone! *groans endlessly*

• Men?? The roles of the men, for all practical purposes, can be treated as character artistes. They come into the screen only to end the serial with a lengthy dialogue about family principles. Or they could be the hired henchmen who kidnap the leading lady and finally plead for forgivance before her. Get a life, really!

• All reality shows have a very good looking but under talented participant till the final stages of the event. This is to keep the men viewers, who dwindle in numbers, watch the show.  For people who are familiar with the Super Singer ‘08, Raginishri was one such candidate. Talented, yes but highly over rated. She managed to garner some TRP for the show somehow.

• No news channel has any news really. The word “Breaking” seems to have lost out its desired effect from endless overuse. How long can they continue to BREAK news about Hillary’s new red suit-blonde look and what the fashionistas had to say about it? A 24×7 news channel is really a waste of resources. Maybe , all news channels should give news updates once every hour and serve as lifestyle channels at other times.

• All reality shows have atleast one participant, too raucously loud. Someone who hugs every other participant after the show. Someone who eulogises the judges. Someone who cries foul for every stage of elimination. Someone who jumps a little too high for a victory. Someone, like Madam ji Rakhi Sawant BTW, the Swayamvar recorded some record breaking TRPs I heard. She’s likely to marry a few more times, in that case!! I also heard Bobby Darling took this proposition to the channels initially! Someone turned down his/her offer. How sad for you, Bobby! *awwww*

• There’s a family in Tamil Nadu that stares at my face whichever way I turn. State level politics, Lok Sabha, Rajya Sabha, Television(15 odd channels) , Movies. No surprise if I find them in reality shows next. Honestly, I find it intimidating and highly irritating. God only save me!

• There’s a whole bunch of music channels today, cropped up due to public interest in film music. That’s alright. But what baffles me, is a stupid “love calculator” application that runs in the screen. Unassuming adolescents send in their names with those of their sweethearts to find out the “love percentages”. Much ado, for a random number generator. Or maybe the good ole FLAMES method we all did in primary classes I did them! *grins sheepishly*. Oh yes! There’s also a chat application in such channels. People can send their wishes to their dear ones. But the usual messages are like, “Kumar: I love you Selvi” or say, “BillaPriya: Thala Ajith Rocks” and one other nut trying to counter this message. I mean what the hell are they trying to prove to the world??!! And being the stingy mobby user that I am, to think that 3 rupees of valuable talktime was wasted on it, makes my blood boil

• The comedy shows [so called] have been running for 5/6 seasons. The jokes were all stale and it seems like its lifetime imprisonment for us. They made some jobless directors/ artistes appear. They even tried roping in some young women and dressed them garishly, to compere this show. No matter what they did, “Yawwwwwwwwwwwn!”

• Every Friday, there are a few releases in the Box Office. So the week prior to the release date, the stars appear in such shows to garner some publicity for their movie. The more, the merrier {Katrina and Neil Nitin Mukhesh in Dus Ka Dum}. Better, if the lead actors share a relationship offscreen. Remember, Kareena and Shahid decided to announce their break up exactly a week before the release of JWM? Convenient, huh??  { But hey, I should admit, it would’ve done well even otherwise}.

• And there are the talk shows. Be it that gay boy who drinks Koffee, the jaw jutted man with pristine white hair, the oily haired bespectacled wonder woman or the crazy transvestite. Honestly, who doesn’t enjoy a quirky talk show? But show some restraint people! Come on! Why will I listen to a yesteryear washed out actress, with more wrinkles than the Vodafone dog!! No one really cares about her great adventures back in the 70s!

Now that I’ve made this crazy list, let me pass the baton to a few more. If you’re reading this and you’re even remotely interested, feel free to do it Offer me some quality entertainment.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

News Update:

• Farah Khan is going host a talk show. Yes. You heard that right. I can’t imagine her mellifluous voice asking the stars, well, the same old questions. God is SO cruel these days.
• All major news channels BROKE a piece of news that one Mah minister entered a Tiger cage to pet him. The news happens to be of national importance and was being BROKEN all day.
• As expected, nothing happened in any mega-serial. Atleast, the cameras twitched and turned for this week.
• SRK was detained in the Newark Airport, US. Darling Khan has been used to being treated royally in our country where government officials salute him and lick his feet. Poor him.
• No. You are SO mean. “Kaminey” doesnot star Lalu, Amar Singh, JJ, Maya, Sharad Pawar, Ram Vilas Paswan or Ajit Jogi. The name created the confusion apparently.

Godammit! One more week has passed and I haven’t caught the Swine flu yet. Could make headlines, shut down all schools in the nearby area and free the kids! Imagine the fun

Cheers!

Yeah, I know you thought am dead. You probably wish I was. I am SO not!  \m/

Been really busy doing nothing, thats all And now, am back to posting  more random stuff.

Expect some cranky posts in the coming weeks…

This is a warning. Don’t attempt reading if you’re weak hearted/pregnant/chronically ill.

STAY OFF n STAY SAFE!

Peace.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow

As Dame Fortune did intend,

Murphy would be there to tell me

The pot’s at the other end.

Yeah, you’re right… No prizes for guessing that this long delayed blog is dedicated to MURPHY and his obnoxious little law.

(For the ignorant,

The Murphy’s Law says-> If anything can go wrong, it will)

If all along, you thought that such things happens only to you, well look around it is as ubiquitous as a GAP T-Shirt. Especially after SRK wore them in KKHH.

NOTE: The author ruefully reminisces the day when she wore her shower cap and walked happily into a bus. LOL!

Worthy to mention, is that Murphy has faced quite a volume of dissidence from powerfully placed poohpoohers. The objections are on the grounds that it is antithetical to the glorious, well loved and well researched theory of Positive Thinking. My humble opinion is that, it is rather hind sighted to identify Murphy’s laws with pessimism and negativity.

Whether we suffer from regret (over things we didn’t do) or remorse (over things that we did), every once in a while we will smile when things go wrong just because smiling is more important than anything else under the sun. And for this outlook, if for nothing else, we all thank Murphy’s Law. If you’ve undergone such frustrating, exasperating and inescapable moments when everything seems to go wrong, there is some consolation…. laughter.

Here is a compilation of all those crazy theories on the lines of Murphy’s-

SILVERMAN’S PARADOX

If Murphy’s laws can go wrong, it will.

THE EXTENDED MURPHY’S LAW

If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

LYNCH’S LAW

When the going gets tough,(omg just wait for this one!) everyone leaves.

BASIC BAGGAGE PRINCIPLE

Whatever carousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.

HARRISON’S POSTULATE

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

MATILDA’S LAW OF SUB-COMMITTEE FORMATION

If you leave the room, you’re elected.

It is easier to seek forgiveness than permission

Don’t let your superiors know you’re better than they are.

The cream rises to the top. So does the scum [needless to say, that am in!]

LAW OF LABORATORY WORK [ LOL! I coined this one]

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly

An expert is anyone from out of town

[No wonder we prefer picking Shane Bond to Yusuf Pathan in IPL or elect Gary Kirsten and not Ravi Shastri as Coach]

Fools rush in- and get the best seats. [ YAY US!]

Win or lose, you lose.

If it’s good, they stop production.

Cleanliness, is next to impossible.

He who laughs last- probably didn’t get the joke. (So true, trust me!)

To err is human- to blame it on someone else is even more human.

——————————————MY PERSONAL FAVORITE————————————

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

In Murphy, Thy Shall Always Trust.

Cheers!

Statutory Warning: This is an absolutely ridiculous piece I wrote out of total boredom. If you’re bored to death, attempt reading further. Else, BUH-BYE!

This has always been an intriguing question for me. WHAT is it that attracts us to the ubiquitous FINK color! All women and the metrosexual man of today a.k.a David Beckham and our very own Saif Ali Khan seem to be addicted to this fancy shade of Red. I remember my Grandma, Meena Patts as I think about this. Whenever I went shopping for Diwali or whatever, she says, “Karuppu le vangindu vandu nikkade! Nanna azhaga ROSE color le vangiko“. ( For the uninitiated-> Don’t buy stuff in Black as usual. Buy something in ROSE). As if pink meant everything beautiful under the sun. Rose as she calls the pastels of Pink, is rather a way of life for the female genera of my family. Funny, that I should use the present tense! LOL

No, what is it really! Why pink? Why not wear “Blue” eye shadow and “Yellow” nail color! I rather hate to see little kids dressed all in Pink, giggling incessantly through their “steel” chambers. LOL! Don’t mistake me for a misopedist, for I am anything but that. I am just accustomed to bouts of jealousy when I see pink, and it doesn’t belong to me It really is the only color Ma and Pa agree on when we shop together. All of us girls wanted to be Powerpuff Girls, din’t we? (Naah… I just wanted to be DeeDee, wear PINK and irritate my bro all the time!) And who doesn’t like the Panju mittai (cotton candy) from Saravana Bhavan? Although, they definitely need to tone it down a bit. My eye specialist feels so, atleast

Let me proceed on my meaningless twaddling now… So what really inspires girls to wear pink?

Say nail color, and its almost synonymous to pink. But that’s not where the association ends. Feminism, cotton candy, flowers, candles, baby stuff, girls’ boutiques, Wedding cakes, awareness on breast cancer, Valentine’s day, fairies, health, beauty, Love, springtime and the all time best sellers, Barbie dolls Feng-shui suggests the usage of Pink in decorating our home, you know! Pink exudes positive energy, and supposedly soothes our poor tormented inner souls! (Darn, I wish someone told me this before I enrolled for Anger Management classes ROTFL)

Why is it that an optimist sees the world through “rose tinted” glasses but when someone is moody, their emotions are gray? Why is a cherubic baby “in the pink” of its health and a baby with a congenital heart disease called a “blue baby”? The most atrocious credit given to it being, the PINK Floyd! Why should an all-guys band dealing with psychedelic/progressive rock be named PINK Floyd??? When its completely….erm, UNpink-ish!! Grr…Why all this favoritism for Pink! Why Why Why!

But worry not, there are certain Pink terms that mean negativity( unbelievable isn’t it?) Pink is proven to have a weakening effect on people making them mawkishly sentimental! No wonder, it fluctuates between an ok-ok to a no-no color for men in a fashion scale. A pink collar is a female office worker but used in a derogatory context. I once came across this report on a really mean theory from evolutionary psychologists (A group of self indulgent MCPs, needless to say) that “girls prefer pink because they need to be better at hunting berries”. Now am looking for those distinguished gentlemen to knock them down. Feel free to drop by Mister! *endless words of profanity follow*

Anyone who wore a Black outfit to a family occasion would know what a PAIN it was. Unapproving nods and slick comments from Grand Aunts and Uncles, people you never knew existed, people you’d probably never see again. Worst thing was, there was another girl in the house, who was dressed in mittai pink(candy pink), with matching bangles and jasmine flowers on her hair. With amounts of coconut oil on her neatly braided hair, that would put Lays Chips to shame and a big, round bindi. Uh-huh, they’d nod their heads unapprovingly because I was unthinkably rebellious! How does such a thing happen in every family occasion I attend, unwillingly I must say. Darn, I din’t know you made those anymore,God! If you’re reading this, PUH-LEEZ stop making those goody types. Do take time to create a few more of us, normal people. Those that worship black, have heavy kohl-rimmed eyes and use oil only for our wheels.

Now for some trivia! Did you know that Bubblegum was made in pink, ONLY because that was the only colouring agent they had? Did you also know that pink used to be associated with guys, and blue with girls only a century ago? Pink, owing to its relativity to red, was taken for valor. And blue being the dainty, pleasant color was meant for the girls. Till one dreaded day, where the societal norms changed ( I’ve GOT to know how that’s being done,man! There are many burning issues where there’s no change! And for something as trivial as PINK it happens! Grr..) Well, you keep thinking on those lines…

Actually,

I’ll have to take a little break to, just go color my nails……. PINK!

What better way to start writing a blog?—-> A Hello World post!

From today, May 30th 2009, I start writing this blog and hope to keep it as obnoxious as I am.

P.S: If there’s anything offensive/derogatory, don’t bother  me. I ain’t changing it anyways! But feel free to disparage the author via your comments.

Cheers! Do watch this space regularly.

SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI…